There’s Always a Choice

by Tova Younger

"I had no choice!"
"She made me do it!"
"He gets me so angry!"

Have you ever heard, or even made, these kinds of comments? Well, perhaps if the victim is bound hand and foot, there is an element of truth here, but otherwise no. We have free choice. We may not like the choices available to us, but bottom line, we choose.

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We have to analyze every situation beginning with, "What would Hashem want me to do now?"

As ovdei Hashem, we have to analyze every situation beginning with, "What would Hashem want me to do now?" This perspective can put a new light on the challenge.
"I had no choice!" Usually this really means, "I do not like the other choices – they are so terrible that they are not really choices. So, I have no choice." Even if these notions are true, they are not unchangeable. Begin to empower yourself by employing a different phraseology: "I considered all the alternatives and this is my choice."

Chani was looking for a job, without success. "No one wants me, so I will just have to take a very uninteresting low paying job – be a cashier in a local store. I just have no choice." Although Chani may be right regarding some of the facts – she must work and she has no skills, experience or connections – an objective observer can conclude differently; she does have choices. She can work on her skills, read and study on her own or in a class. She can continue to seek a better job, availing herself of the many opportunities around today – agencies, contacts, advertisements, employment boards. She can even change how she views the job she has. A cashier can be very helpful, accurate, efficient and bring happiness to each customer. She may even be promoted if she excels in her job or, with her newly acquired skills, move on to something better in the future. She has many choices.

Empower yourself:: "I considered all the alternatives and this is my choice."

"She made me do it!"
"He gets me so angry!"

Remember, we are in this world to deal with challenges! When we use them properly, we come closer to Hashem and closer to fulfilling our purpose here. Instead of using those expressions, try, "I decided to do this because of how I interpreted what she did." "I lost my temper because of how I decided to respond to his action." We are making choices. They may be almost subconscious, automatic, and quick as lightning. We may not be aware of them, but we exercise our free will with our every response, and we CAN re-train ourselves to respond differently.

One way is to use a wonderful technique called 'reframing'. Reframing means, as it sounds, to put a new frame around a 'picture' or event, to change our perception of the event. Moshe was shopping, calmly placing items into his shopping cart, when a wagon rammed into him. He may have thought, "I'll bet that's one of those kids running around the market, undisciplined, no parent in sight…"

​Angrily he turns around, only to discover that the culprit is a handicapped youngster, accompanied by an older sibling attempting to redirect the cart, while approaching to apologize. The anger dissipates as quickly as it rose. Well, what if the perpetrator looks perfectly normal? Anger is still a choice. We never really know all the details, nor do we have to.
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We can use our free choice to plan properly for such occasions, respond magnanimously, use the opportunity for our personal growth, and … perhaps leave all those who witnessed the event something to think about.