It's NOT the Child's fault!

By Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern 

Once parents feel their responsibility toward their children's chinuch (upbringing), they must educate themselves about how to be mechanech their children properly and efficiently. By failing to do so, even well-meaning parents can innocently make serious mistakes in their chinuch techniques, some of which may  be counterproductive. 

Child-raising requires a knowledge of proper chinuch techniques. Think for a moment: All electronic appliances and devices come with instruction manuals, and more complicated devices require larger manuals. To properly operate them, one must thoroughly read the manual beforehand. Children are far more delicate than the most sophisticated electronic device, and addressing a chinuch issue without expertise is like trying your luck at repairing a complicated electronic device. You may be lucky and connect the right wires to make it work, but if you makes a slight mistake, you can ruin the entire device. 

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Is it the child’s fault, or is it improper parenting?

Even if couples received proper hadrachah (guidance) for marriage, they likely received no pre-marital hadrachah on how to raise children. Therefore, it is essential for parents to listen to or attend shiurim (lectures) and read sefarim (books) that reflect daas Torah (opinions of the sages) about child raising. The next step is applying those lessons to one’s individual situation (which may require additional guidance).

The following contemporary rabbanim have expressed this concern in their public lectures:

• Rav Shimon Schwab said, “We need a night kollel for parents to train them how to properly raise and be mechanech their children.”
• Rav Chaim Dov Keller, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivas Telshe Chicago, once remarked, “Instead of teaching child psychology to the parents, we need a course in parent psychology.”
• Rav Nachum Diament, Mashgiach of Yeshivas Netivat Olam, Bnei Brak, and one of the one of the foremost Israeli lecturers and authorities on family relationships said, “Parents often ask, ‘How should we deal with a child who is closed, quiet, stubborn or rebellious and is making our lives miserable?’ Some parents might rationalize by attributing certain negative behavioral patterns to the child's nature. However, the real answer is to reverse the question: ‘How should we deal with a problem child whose parents are…?’”; in other words, is it the child’s fault, or is the problem due to improper parenting?

A Rav once took his child to a physician. Trying to become friendly with the child, the doctor asked, "Are you a good child?” 

The Rav then interjected, “You're forcing my child to lie. What child would reply that he's bad?"

The doctor retorted, "Rabbi, you're mistaken. All children are born good. We are the ones who make them bad!”