Honoring Parents – Know the Halachos

by Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern

The Chafetz Chaim writes that we cannot observe Shabbos properly without knowing its laws (Preface to Mishna Brura vol. 3). Similarly, unless we know the laws of honoring and revering parents, we will not be aware of the respective obligations of parents and children. In fact, the Yesod VeShoresh HaAvoda writes that we must set aside a regular time to study the laws of honoring our parents, since each person is obligated to know these laws and to keep them in mind constantly (Shaar HaNitzotz, end of ch. 2). 

---

Parents do not realize that their children may not even know what is and is not proper derech eretz

Parents should also realize that unless their children's school has an organized program for teaching kibud u’mora, their child is not likely to be knowledgeable about these halachos and will be less motivated to keep them. When young children are disrespectful, their parents usually exclaim, "Where is your derech eretz?" They do not realize that their children may not even know what is and is not proper derech eretz. 

Did the parents ever try to ascertain how much their children actually know about these laws? If children are not taught the laws, they cannot know how to fulfill them.

A Brief Overview of the Halachos of Kibud Av V’eim

HONOR (Kavod)

• In thought (kavod b’machashava):
  • Teach yourself to regard your parents as great and honorable people.
• In speech (kavod b’dibur):
  • Speak to your parents in a gentle and respectful manner.
• In deeds (kavod b’maaseh):
  • Look after your parents “as a servant serves the master of the house.”
  • Help your parents get dressed (help them put on their coats, polish their shoes, and the like).
  • Serve them food and drink.
  • Escort them when they leave and welcome them when they enter.
  • Stand up for them at least twice daily, once in the morning and once in the evening.
• All such acts should be done with a cheerful attitude (b’seiver panim yafos).

REVERENCE (Yir’ah)

• Fear to offend your parents as you would fear to offend royalty.
• Do not cause them pain or distress.
• Do not sit or stand in your parent’s designated place, e.g. at the table or where your parent davens.
• Do not contradict them. If necessary, you may tactfully raise a point in a questioning way, such as “Isn’t it possible that?” or “Isn’t it written that?”
• Do not confirm your parent’s opinion when he or she is debating with another person, for example, “I agree with my parent” or “My parent is right.”
• Do not wake your parents unless you are sure they would want to be woken.

(Sources: Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Dayah  # 240; Chayei Adam # 67; The Fifth Commandment, ArtScroll, by Rabbi Moshe Leiber)
​
The following can be inferred from the halachos of honoring one’s rebbi (Shulchan Aruch Y. D.  # 242; see also Avos 5:9 and  Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim #170):

• When eating with your parents, do not eat until they begin eating.

• When walking with your parents, do not walk ahead of them.
• When speaking with your parents or otherwise dealing with them directly, do not leave their presence without their consent.
• Do not interrupt your parents when they are speaking.