For Men: Calmness in Marriage (Video)

by Benzion Greiper

We continue our discussion about simcha (happiness) in marriage.
 
It’s urgent that a person knows how to react to situations. The first commandment of marriage is be realistic, expect the unexpected, know how to have a control, how to deal with challenges.
 
We mentioned last time some very important yesodos. The first is to be besimcha with your connection to Hakodosh Boruch Hu. See the borei olom, from your eyes, your legs. Get to know He’s the Borei. The second is to go over your own avodas (service of) Hashem, make a cheshbon (personal accounting) each day. See how to improve, so your day is important and you’re doing what you have to do. In this way, you’re feeling like somebody.
 
And then, how you walk into your home or you deal with your mate is important; we said make the home a “no tension zone.” With that we had AAA: Attention, and Appreciation and Affection.

Excerpts continue after the video

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So many times, when people have unrealistic expectations it becomes an issue.
 
Here’s a story from a public school. The teacher was teaching a class and they had a journal [entry to write about], “be realistic, expect the unexpected.”
 
So the next day a student came in he said, “Do you know I came home yesterday and there wasn’t dinner ready. I would usually get upset and I yell at my mother, but I made dinner. I took it my mother had a hard day.
 
“Then all of a sudden in came in my mother… ‘What happened, usually you yell at me! Why aren’t you yelling at me?’”

That’s what marriage is about, every day:
the unexpected

“I said my teacher said, ‘Expect the unexpected,’ [I figured] maybe you’ve had a hard day!”
 
So you see there is the aspect of being realistic, expecting unexpected things. Many times in a marriage it becomes “expected” because you know the tension [that’s there]. She had her twelve hour day and you had your twelve hour day.
 
We’re going to hear things; as soon as you react, the two pillars of the home shake. If you handle it the other way — “Mommy is upset!” — it goes away.
 
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So this is a yesod; this is the first commandment of marriage: be realistic, expect the unexpected. That’s what marriage is about, every day: unexpected, unexpected.